For those of you who may not recall, Kathy Griffin, alleged comedian, did a photo shoot with an overtly fake beheaded Donald Trump. People got mad, she got bullied online, cried a bit, and apologized for it. Fast forward to today:
Griffin kicked off her Taking It Back Tour on Monday, in an interview published by New York Magazine. Among her complaints, she said CNN chief Jeff Zucker had asked her to limit the number of anti-Trump jokes at her most recent New Year’s Eve co-hosting gig for the cable news network.
“Why are people still expecting me to apologize and grovel to a man that tweets like this?” Griffin asked Yashar Ali. “I’m a comedian; he’s our f—ing president.”
“President Trump just pardoned Joe Arpaio, who was essentially running a concentration camp in the Arizona desert….He said there are some good Nazis, and he’s kicking out young adults who were brought here as kids by their parents – and I’m the one who has to continue to apologize?”
First of all I want to say that I’m not here to talk politics, though I will tag this in the politics sub section of my website, tee hee hee (I’m naughty). Frankly, I don’t think she should have apologized in the first place, not that I agree with the photo shoot, again couldn’t care less there, I mean I wouldn’t have done it, but only because it seems like so much work for so little potential reward, but if you’re going to go through that trouble of doing it, just own it. Do you think Eminem would have any street cred at all if he wrote a song about murdering his baby momma and then when confronted about it he cried and apologized? No, when you’re jumping into a controversial pit, you have to own it. Kathy is now breaking out that famous line all women use, “I reserve the right to change my mind.” We’ve all heard it before, and all it really means is, I’m gonna stop trying to spare your feelings because I DGAF anymore. It’s like a ‘mutual’ break up happens but the guy wasn’t that great of a BF and the girl sees all the dumb shit the guy does on snapchat and the stupid videos he makes online and get tired of people coming up to her at parties saying, “oh its so sad that you guys aren’t together anymore,” and finally she snaps and stops giving the party line and says something to the effect of, “yea, actually that guy was no fun at all, and I know not legally so, but he was pretty retarded. And he had a tiny wiener, and let me tell you no motion of the ocean can save the size of some ships. The actual moon based tide came in slower if you know what I mean.” whew… but regardless my main point was, if you’re going to say or do anything over the top like that, don’t play wishy-washy with it. Commit to the bit. Which brings me to the real point of this article:
I’m 99.9% certain Kathy Griffin is the last of a Highlander style race of Immortals and Andy Dick was the final person she had to kill before she obtained “The Prize”
For those of you who shockingly don’t know, Highlander (perhaps the greatest movie/ TV series of all time) is a tale of a man from the Highlands who is one of the immortals and all the immortals have to behead the others until there is only one left because well,
Pretty self explanatory I’d say. First of all, if you’re like me than for you Kathy Griffin has just sort of always been around, but can you name anything shes actually done? I mean there was the short time before Anderson Cooper officially came out where they we’re caught holding hands on a beach or some shit, but no one really believed that they were boning did they? Oh done as in like projects, work, oooooooh… also no. I can only assume she’s been alive forever, sustaining her lifestyle off of annual interest rates from her bank account, but since interest rates are so low I can only surmise that she invested one gold doubloon in the 19th century and now she can just afford to live in California (I assume she lives there, but the fact that I don’t know for sure does add some secrecy to the immortal mystery).
Now let’s compare Connor MacLeod (the guy from the Highlander movie) physically to Kathy Griffin:
Definitely a physical resemblance going on, but there is something missing. A step in the evolutionary cycle. A proverbial immortal Homo habilis, let’s say (yay science). Oh wait I’ve got it!
Oh. My. God. Fucking uncanny. You may say, so what, they look alike, wouldn’t it make more sense to say that they are possibly related and not immortal beings in a forever combative struggle to become the last standing immortal by beheading all other immortals while trying to uncover the ‘source’ of their power? Maybe. I can see how that would be a logical thought process, if you fucking didn’t know shit about how immortal succession works you big ‘ol dummy dumb dumb. You see when an immortal beheads another immortal something called The Quickening happens, actor Adrian Paul, Highlander from the hit TV spin off explains via Wikipedia:
“The Quickening is the receiving of all the power and knowledge another immortal has obtained throughout his or her life. It is like the receiving of a sacrament or a massive orgasm.”
See you stupid, stupid-head, when you absorb all of your beheaded opponent’s knowledge surely you absorb their mannerisms and potential facial structure, duh. Another key part of the immortals way of life is something called “The First Teacher”. You see, a new Immortal usually does not learn about their situation until they meet another Immortal willing to teach them. This Immortal is referred to as the First Teacher. The First Teacher, well, teaches the new Immortal the Rules of the Game, how to use a sword and the tactics needed to win. Now that is all in place we can use these concepts to trace the steps back historically to prove Kathy Griffin is the last immortal. We’ll start with the mannerism all three have in common, fading into obscurity.
We’ll start with Christopher Lambert, the actor that played legendary Connor MacLeod in the smash hit Highlander movie series. Now before we get too far, you’re probably saying, it was just a movie, why haven’t we addressed that yet? Ever heard the phrase all jokes have a kernel of truth? Well we know all tales are mired in truths so move on already. Now If you haven’t even seen Highlander I KNOW you’ve never seen my man Christ Lam-B before, but even if you have, like a true cultured individual, have you seen him since? I sure haven’t. I’m operating under the belief that Andy Dick beheaded Christ, our lord and savior, and that’s really why he ended up in jail:
Tell me that doesn’t look like the face of a man who just had the best Quickening of his life. Why no Teacher role here? Well simply put, I did a quick Google image search and couldn’t find any pictures of the two together soooooo I’m going with murder. Obviously because he’s immortal he got out of jail, but that’s when we start seeing all those pictures of Kathy and Andy being all buddy, buddy:
Now to me that photo screams, “Come at us, bro. We’ll chop off your head just to feel alive.” It’s at this point that I believe Andy took on Kathy in a mentor, or First Teacher, type capacity. I suppose it’s a fair question to ask why do I assume Andy had the Teacher role and not Kathy and my retort will be, does this look like a person that is not 100% in the driver’s seat of his own life at all times?
Besides, in my postulate he killed Connor fucking MacLeod, he’s the teacher. And anyways it’s 2017 stop assuming all teachers are women, it’s disgusting you pig headed bigots.
Obviously their relationship soured, or just was at an end, but for whatever reason we don’t see them together beyond this point. Now you may say most students don’t kill their teachers, see Anakin Skywalker. Well I say he tried, he just failed. That high ground gets you every time.
I also can’t think of a time that I’ve seen Andy Dick since. Now sure he could have just moved away, it’s hard for immortals to stay in one place for a while before they are found out but there is something else that leads me to believe he was slain, and that has to do with “The Prize”. Again via Wikipedia:
The very last Immortal still alive at the end of the Gathering wins the Prize. The nature of the Prize is “ultimate power and knowledge”. They can love and have children, live and grow old, all previously unavailable to Immortals.
The key here is growing old, and boy has Kathy started to grow old:
I mean it looks like shes trying to fight it with surgery, but, Kathy, just let it go, you had a good run at being immortal, this is supposed to be a blessing. God, though that really is a murderous face, and we do know she has a pension for beheading:
And now we’ve brought it full circle. And unlike you, Kathy, I will stand by this assertion that you were the last immortal, until the day I die. Which will happen at some point because I, unlike you, was not immortal.