College football is right around the corner and for the most part I’m pretty excited. I mean my team will probably be shit, but football is football and last time I checked you can’t get CTE from just watching it, unless you’re a fan that bangs his/her head into a wall all season, but I hear even that burns 150 calories an hour so at least you’ll be skinny. What I wont be looking forward to is 1. Baker Mayfield and his dumb face and 2. Everyone blowing Jim Harbaugh for being a whiny little baby. Unfortunately it has already started. Let’s neglect the whole summer thing when ESPN did a mini special on him taking the team on vacation to Rome for ‘practice’ and lets just talk about week 1 college football.

Jim has already announced they will be wearing the ‘throwback’ “All Maize” uniforms for the season opener against Florida. Jim likes old shit, his horn rimmed glasses for instance and also his insistence on being literally the only one on the entire field affiliated with the team to wear the old skinny ‘M’ instead of the fat one. And while the All Maize unis look really lame that’s not really my issue, it’s just an opportunity to discuss the whole, “It’s ‘Maize’ not yellow,” thing Michigan assholes go on about. First of all Maize isn’t a color, it’s a food, it’s corn. And while you may say Corn is yellow, yea your sweet corn is, but a quick Google image search will show you that in fact, corn comes in many colors:

Maize

Yup, diversity in corn, UNLIKE your student body:

UofM Enroll

Source U of M Undergraduate Admissions Page (as of June 2017)

Notice, you pretentious ball bags, how the recommended search terms for “Maize” from Google doesn’t include University of Michigan anywhere, just like I don’t consider 1% of your student body ‘including’ Native Americans. The ‘throwback’ is an homage to the only time the university was whiter than it is now. At this point Michiganders need to give up and just call it something more applicable, may I suggest Blue and Flint Drinking Water Yellow?

But let’s get on to the meat and potatoes. Jimmy is mad that The Gators haven’t released their starting quarterback for the upcoming game, and instead of being a coach who prepares for every possible scenario, or a coach smart enough to schedule a patsy week one like almost every other team, ever, he decided to withhold an actual roster and instead metaphorically ‘whip out his dick’ and sent out a roster of all Michigan players in the NFL:

Only problem is Jim appears to be a shower not a grower as the only players he actually coached have either not played a single minute in the NFL yet or not a single meaningful minute. Saying Devin Funchess having Superbowl experience is like saying my dogs are amateur bakers for eating a bag of sugar and basically vomiting up frosting:

UofM Funchess

Yea, they were there, but they didn’t really DO shit. It’s pretty telling if you’re self aggrandizing about “Active Players with Pro Bowl Experience” and you are using Tom Brady (you had nothing to do with) and some no name tackle as your Viagra. Now I can see this verbose posturing as something that could be pretty amusing, only he doubled down, like an adult, when asked about his stating QB:

Wahhhhhhh, they haven’t said their QB why should I? Is it not the most juvenile logic of all time when saying show me yours first, then I’ll show you mine, especially after you bitched up the storm in the first place. And all of this would be stupid but fine, IF HE HADN’T REFUSED TO RELEASE A DEPTH CHART TO ANY OF HIS OPPONENTS LAST YEAR!

Last year, Michigan didn’t release game-week depth charts, unlike virtually all of its opponents. That inspired Colorado’s public relations staff, ahead of CU’s game at Michigan, to release a parody depth chart with names such as Elmer Fudd, Butch Cassidy, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar on it. (Happy Gilmore was the punter.)

Basically what Jim is saying is we can bully people because were big time, but I don’t like it when it happens to me. Fuck of, Jim. You’re a baby. A creepy baby. Remember when Jim Harbaugh called his now wife NINE times asking her out before she finally acquiesced. If women had rights back then he would have been labeled a stalker and probably thrown in jail. But back then you could just club a woman over he head and drag her back to your cave essentially. No means no, Jim. And we wonder why college campuses have an issue with rape culture… I have a theory, that extends beyond sports, it just says that people can get away with stuff that is absolutely inappropriate if you like them. The hot girl can say something dumb. The hot jock can get a little rapey, but if that weird, gross nerd says something overtly sexual, watch out! The Football coach can act like a total baby but it’s cool because he wins, but does he? I mean this will be the year to tell, he left Stanford after three years after once in a generation talent Andrew Luck left to try his hand at the pros. He left the 49ers after three years after just destroying the roster (and the brains of some players) and knowing they’d go 7 of 32 since, back to college where no one seems to care about CTE. So by my calculations this will be the year Michigan is really good, then implodes next year, or this is the year they implode all together. Jim looks like he’s already throwing a tantrum because he can’t get that stuffed animal, and the season hasn’t even started, but only time will tell.

The Naysh

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