Happy Monday Ya’ll. Sitting at your desk? Miserable already?
We empathize. We promise you, we feel you. We’ll go over anything you may have missed from the last week and we’ll pass our judgements on people having a worse week than you. Read this on the crapper while you hide the first 30 minutes of work. Or on your early lunch. Replace that coffee driven facade with a real smile. Don’t care about a subject, that’s okay, I promise you neither do we.
The honorable Naysh presides.
Was delayed this week due to unforeseen circumstances (that’s an aggressive euphemism FYI)
This weeks cases are all related to repeat offenders, if you’re repeatedly offended, this column isn’t for you. It’s not for anyone really, no one looks at this site.
⊗ Back in the news last week from a recent docket: Wax Statues:
If you can’t tell who that is, well, than the only thing not predictable about the fight on Saturday is how quickly Connor McGregor fell into obscurity. But seriously that isn’t Irish actor Liam Neeson from Batman Begins:
It is supposed to be Irish Fighter Connor McGregor, the loud bagpipe that spews racial epithets instead of migraine inducing musical notes at a funeral. Irish people love funerals though, one less person to compete with at the open bar. Sculptors got the white supremacist haircut down but got really aggressive with the hunched shoulders and child bearing hips. It’s like the Irish sculptors just glued a beard and some hair on their already existing sculture of Sinead O’Conner, they’re close to the same percentage ‘Connor’ close enough. That’s apparently Connor’s father ‘accepting’ the statue, and he’s way too casual and practiced accepting something that looks nothing like his son. I assume that he must have done the same thing when his mother told him it was actually the milk man’s kid. The fact that this slipped through the last sentence just reiterates the question, why do wax sculptures even exist. In what world would you want to pay money to look at a shitty rendition of a famous person? It’s 2017 we have the internet, just google image search someone. It seems you can’t stop the artists, so now it’s time to target the people who go support this shit. I’m giving full immunity to Jigsaw so he can film all the new saw movies using wax museum patrons.
WE’LL STAY ON THAT SIDE OF THE POND
⊗ Big Ben is undergoing construction that just started and last week let out it’s last regular chimes until construction is completed in 2021. This is the quietest Ben has been since that reporter questioned him as to why his bodyguards physically stopped people from entering a Pennsyltucky restroom while he was inside entering a drunk girl without her consent. Much like a family that moved from a bustling city to a backwoods nowhere, citizens are having a hard time adjusting to life without the noise. Citizens now lament that they can actually now finally hear the punchlines of their popular sitcoms and just realized that they aren’t actually funny at all. Usually they’d just act like a guy talking to a hot girl at a crowded bar and just laugh and nod their heads approvingly, now they know her head is actually emptier than the promise to ‘have and to hold from this day forward’ Ben Roethlisberger made at his secret wedding rather quickly after he was accused of raping that girl in a Pennsyltucky restroom after feeding the 20 year old girl shots at the bar. I sentence Big Ben to spend the rest of his days in the bell tower of Big Ben, signal calling into a microphone every hour on the hour, for the citizens of London.
⊗ Guys, I hate to be the bearer of national heartbreak level news, but another Gorilla in a zoo died. Only this one wasn’t shot after threatening the life of a child, no, this one just died of cancer, so no one gives a shit. Tiffany, a gorilla in the Kansas City Zoo, died from late stage ovarian cancer. I only bring this up because I’m just shocked I haven’t seen a single frat bro with a shirt that says “Dicks out for Tiffany” like we did for Harambe. Certainly I can empathize that wild animal attacks are much more intertwined in our day to day lives than cancer, and we should definitely invest more of our money, time, and effort on that than cancer research. But maybe just a little? I sentence our nations top meme makers to get on to attacking cancer, ever since they got on Harambe I can’t name the last time a negligent parent threw her child in a wild animal pit and the wild animal acted like a wild animal. The nation thanks you for your service.
⊗ In China a father had a son who didn’t want to get a job and just wanted to play video games all day. A not uncommon scenario in this day and age, I get it, I’d rather not work either. Only there’s this thing called rent and health insurance I’m told I HAVE to pay. Unlike most parents, well I wont say most, but plenty of parents, instead of kicking him out of their house, he hired a hitman. To kill him. In every video game he played. Clearly a real tight bond with his son, loves to chat for hours with this kid. This dad is so out of touch with reality are we sure he’s not AI from the video game this kid is playing in? Doesn’t he know E-Sports is a thing on ESPN, I mean def not prime time TV slots, but still. I sentence this old Chinese proverb to take a Turing Test, if he passes the kid goes on the streets, he needs to be in a factory putting together my iPhone not practicing E-Sports incessantly in order to someday rise out of the Chinese ghetto.
I rest my case