Happy Monday Ya’ll. Sitting at your desk? Miserable already?

We empathize. We promise you, we feel you. We’ll go over anything you may have missed from the last week and we’ll pass our judgements on people having a worse week than you. Read this on the crapper while you hide the first 30 minutes of work. Or on your early lunch. Replace that coffee driven facade with a real smile. Don’t care about a subject, that’s okay, I promise you neither do we.

The honorable Naysh presides.


MONDAY’S AREN’T SO BAD, AT LEAST THERE ISN’T IMPENDING NUCLEAR WAR

⊗ In an attempt to solidify it’s role as a comic book villain after the UN instated sanctions against them, North Korea threatened “thousands-fold” retaliation against the United States last week. The quote comes from Kim Jong probably right after his top film doctors finally edited the new Guardians of the Galaxy movie so Thanos won. Since the sanctions are mostly economic embargoes saying the world wont buy any of their exports I assume they are threatening to buy even less than 0 of ours, which they weren’t doing anyways. North Korea has reportedly finally created a missile that can reach the United States and possibly New York City… IF they angle it just right and we do absolutely nothing about it’s launch, because it will take over 2 hours to get here. We’re boned. Nothing can possibly be accomplished in two hours time:

In just over two hours before the missile would hit I could have sex (probably multiple times) and watch the entire first Guardians of the Galaxy (2 hours and 2 minutes run time). But with the current administration, people are actually considering North Korea a threat. Let’s take a live look last night at North Korea:

Image result for north korea no lights

They’re the outlined area with no electricity. Be afraid, be very afraid. I sentence Kim Jong Un to resume his original villainous task of stealing the recipe for Krabby Patties since on the villain scale, he’s more Plankton from Sponge bob rather than Lex Luthor.

 

⊗ Alleged ‘band’ Pussy Riot was in the news again last week and if you we’re wondering, “geez, I haven’t heard a new song from Pussy Riot recently, wonder what they are up to,” you’re going to have to wait a little longer because you’ll never guess but they were arrested again. And no, it wasn’t for murdering a track. Nope, they were protesting something, what was it? who really knows. At this point a Google search of Pussy Riot consists all of articles about their ‘activist’ arrests and literally nothing about music, which, I’m told, they did make at one point. I sentence Pussy Riot to go back to making music, or start making music, but none of this activist crap, I want good old fashioned motherland propaganda:

 

SPORTS! SORT OF…

⊗ The MLB trade deadline was last week, and many teams took the opportunity to bolster their team for a post season run. Every team with even a chance to make the playoffs looked for the deal of the year to hopefully push their team over the edge. Arguably this year the most savvy move was by the Mariners who acquired relief pitcher Ernesto Frieri from the Rangers in exchange for $1. If you’ve never heard of Frieri, well that’s because he’s worth a dollar. So we probably wont see him in the majors and we’ll never know if he’s as big a douche as Guy Feiri and has ghost “T’s” in the pronunciation of his last name. Never have I seen a more lopsided trade since the Flint Tropics traded for Ed Monix:

And he took the Tropics to the Flint Michigan Mega Bowl! The Mariners are 14 games back, we’ll see what Frieri can do. Regardless I sentence the city of Seattle to crown them as one of the top 2 professional sports teams in the city of Seattle. What? there are only two professional sports teams in Seattle? The Sonics left in ’98? Soccer doesn’t count? No wonder Kurt Cobain killed himself. Oh, that was ’94. Yea, Seattle sucks, drink your Starbucks in the rain and leave us alone.

 

IN A SURPRISING TWIST

⊗ Buzzfeed decided to throw not so subtle shade at orphans last week:

IF I have parents, Buzzfeed? Woooooooooooow… Buzzfeed is right, people without parents have it too good, at least that’s what we’ve learned from classic movies like Home Alone and Big, life is better without parents:

No. Why should they? All kids, no parents. Probably a fancy orphanage.

Buzzfeed does manage to further solidify it’s status as pandering to a young crowd while continuing to not understand it at all. Yea, parents man, they ever turn that on/ off switch on the router to off when they go to bed to specifically spite you? Can’t possibly go turn that switch back to on? Man, parents, the worst. Hey, Buzzfeed, when I was a kid the internet was dial up and you had to go on after your parents went to bed because people still had phone lines and used them regularly and that was just to leave it on all night to download a couple pictures you HOPED showed nudity because in the Kazaa days you never knew. Heck you could have half a photo downloaded and with some great boobs and by tomorrow the other half showed it was a tranny because some guy thought it would be funny to tag it that way. Imagine seeing that as a young and impressionable child. Buzzfeed is like the 40 year old cop that dresses up like a high school kid and starts a convo with everyone in the hallway but the second or third sentence is obviously a thinly veiled, “hey, you know where I can score some illicit material?”

I sentence Buzzfeed to write an article called 101 times Buzzfeed was the dumbest thing on the internet. Shocked it hasn’t been done yet, that kind of circular circle jerking click bait is right up their own poop chute.

I rest my case

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