Now I’d like to preface all of this by saying I was on the Game of Thrones kick since day 2. I say day 2 because I watched the first episode the day after it first aired. I was in college and no way was I was paying for HBO back then. I’m not even now. Now already I can hear some of you growling or beginning to tap away at your keyboards and GOTCHA, you people are problem number one. You know who you are. You’re the asshats that are already thinking, “most of the books came out before the show, I read them all, I’m the real day one fan.” Notice, that I said Game of Thrones, that’s the fucking show, A Song of Ice and Fire are the books and you can shove them up your pretentious puckered butt holes. #Lawyered. They are different things and you can shut your contrarian hipster mouths. But I thank you for already proving my point.

I don’t know if there has been a more influential show ever to be honest. Since it first aired I can’t name a show that has inspired both culture and counter culture so vehemently. And it doesn’t seem like anyone can just watch the show or read the books, you all seem to have become a different sort of shitty annoying ass archetype. Let’s start with the type I’ve already addressed and are probably the most steaming right now.

The I Read the Books Fans: These people read (or claim to have read) the books by George ‘the butt pirate’ aRR Martin. Honestly, there is so much shit online with subreddits and YouTube channels anyone can pretend they read them and still speak proficiently about them. Minds blown nerds? Yup, there are definitely imposters among your ranks.

I know professional E-gaming is a thing now, but somehow this still shocks me as to how brazen these people are with being nerds. You know who was cool that bragged about reading a book? Nope, me either. Reading books is so irrelevant even Lavar Burton is being sued by the show Reading fucking Rainbow right now so they can actually generate an income, and Lavar Burton had laser vision in Star Trek. Or am I thinking of Cyclops from X-Men? I dunno, you nerds know the difference, you get it. Anyways, we all get that the books have cool characters and story lines that aren’t in the show, but just get over yourselves already, accept that they are different things and you can’t compare them. You’re not superior to anyone because of it. Get back to fighting your power insecurities and loneliness by torturing stray cats in an alley. All Cats must die.

The People Who Watch and NEED You to Know They Do Fans: I bet you all are laughing right now but, for me you are the worst. You are the people that post on social media before, during, and immediately after the show. Sunday 2PM: Sundays are for Game of Thrones. Sunday 9:30PM Wow! This episode is cray cray. Sunday 10:01PM Can’t believe X,Y,Z. oh sorry, Spoiler Alert hehe…… Now I will say part of my hatred is because, while I’ve never had HBO, I currently don’t have any access to it at all so I have only seen the season opener of Season 7. GoT is the most pirated show in the history of the world, I don’t know if that makes it safer to torrent, because so many people are doing it that your odds of getting caught are slim, or that they are paying extra attention and it’s super hot, don’t touch! I’m not trying to get sued by some people that can afford that much CGI.

And for that reason, these people are akin to Satan in my book. You people are the BuzzFeed of citizens. Except when their shit gets easy clicks and likes they get paid, you just feel undeservingly important. 23 Game of Thrones fans that are actually douche nozzles. If you’re jazzed about an episode, I totally get it, but text your fucking friends that watch it like a normal person. No one gives an actual fuck for you to post what happened as a Facebook status. But therein lies the crux of the issue. You losers have no real friends. You have to post it on all the social media platforms with the people (mostly fake hot girls profiles) to fabricate the feeling that people like you. Live cut to every one of these rubes immediately after an episode:

SPOILER ALERT: you all blow. You all need to realize the minimum wait time for content and spoilers. Like it’s funny now to run into a mall and yell Dumbledore dies, because that happened 12 years ago. Statute on ruining a childhood is ten years minimum. That’s when kids in school can start talking about Santa not being real. For instance a Movie twist gets at least until it’s been on DVD for a month, then you can get uppity with people who get mad about spoilers when you let it slip. When it’s on straight TV you can blast references anywhere. Bruce Willis was a ghost the whole time. TV shows you need to wait at least a week to put that shit out there and even then you have to preface it with, “did you see last weeks episode?”. With a premium show like this, start of the next season you can cautiously talk about it, you can blast spoilers absolutely NEVER, unless you’re a raging dick. Now I’m not saying you can’t talk about it, again you should have friends, but even if you don’t there’s a Subreddit that’s literally made for it, and guess what, they’re really good about redacting spoilers like normal fucking people. Now you will get assaulted by a number of the first type of shitty fans we talked about but takes one to know one. The web is dark and full of dick heads.

Now there is a small segment of people you’ll find especially on the subreddit the, I Have Devoted Way too Much Time to Minutia in the Series Fan, that aren’t bad people, they are just insane. These are the people that know way too much about everything and are the ones that come up with the theories that are 1 in 2,000 times correct. They’re mostly just nitpickers and it’s sad because if they filled their brains up with how to cure cancer, instead of who Young Griff is and how could they possibly work him into the show, would be heroes to society. Nope, they just scour over books and websites all day and somehow make a living. Meanwhile I have to pay rent to live in my parents’ house. A Spenny always repays his rent.

The Bandwagon Fans: As with anything when it gets big, you get the stragglers. Most of these people we’re the same people that called the folks that watched it originally gay for liking fantasy but now that it’s everywhere they conveniently forget that. Bitch, you wasn’t with me when I was getting called a fag!

I call it the Pokemon effect, and it’s caught them all (some really good layers to that joke). I can’t blame some of this group because their friends begged them for a couple years and they finally started it and just because we as a species prefer closure are just stringing along for the end game not really caring and I feel bad for them. But the rest are just posers dragging everyone down. It’s like that friend at the movie who always asks you questions even though it’s both your first time seeing this shit. They want to seem eager but they don’t REALLY care enough to bother following the plot or literally just thinking about it at all to work out the answers. Wait, what’s grayscale? Watch out, false ballers are coming.

 

The I Am NOT a Fan and I Need You to Know That, Fans: As with anything there will always be haters. The bigger something is the more people are just going to hate it too. But Game of Thrones has gotten so big that you have the contrarians on board, and that’s always a good time. The closeted sexual deviants upstanding moral conservatives hate it because there is some nudity, incest, and rape. The good Christians seem really hung up on the sex part, shocking when they’re always the ones foot tapping in rest rooms while their wives are at home elbow deep in romance novels. It’s back to the age old saying, the people who are the most vocal against something are the ones that just hate that they love it. Just admit you like seeing tittles on premium cable, that’s how HBO started right? people only bought it because of boobies, correct?

The problem I have with this group is the same as group 2, they need you to know how right they are on the subject. I don’t need your marriage is between a man and a woman spiel for a fictional TV show, Senator. We’re talking about Westeros not West Virginia. It’s not Adam and Eve, it’s Khaleesi and multiple pee pees, or the Queen and her brother’s peen. It’s fine, it’s not real. There must always be haters in the real world.

So there you have it, the only people left are the people that don’t know what Game of Thrones is, and what’s wrong with them do they live under a fucking rock? If you don’t like it, that’s totally cool, shut the fuck up though. And if you do like it, cool, but seriously shut the fuck up though. Go on continuing to watch it or not watch it and leave me out of whatever your decision is, is that too much to ask? Three things you should never discuss in polite company politics, religion, and Game of Thrones.

The Naysh

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