Anyone who has driven around the back roads of Howard County on a Sunday morning can attest to this: Bikers are the worst people on the planet. Over the course of this musing I will systematically obliterate everything you can possibly think to say that is positive about bicycles or those that ride them.
They say you never forget how to ride a bicycle. I find that to be an extremely deep and meaningful metaphor: you learn the basics, retain them, and then you can continue to learn more and more advanced things. Building blocks. Brick by brick. Undoubtedly the wheel is one of the most important inventions by man. With the wheel we built carts and we could move things. Food/ livestock. Building materials. The means of production. Then some genius put in work (physics joke) figuring out gears and pulleys and and we advanced further as a species. Put wheels and gears together so you can traverse distances without relying on animals as power to pull you. You could use your own power and move at greater speeds with less effort than ever before. Surly a crowning achievement of man. And then man kept evolving and we invented fucking cars that run on compressed remains of dead dinosaurs that we mine from the earth with giant drills after they’ve sat there for a million years. And we gave the bikes to our children.
The children can adorn them with playing cards in the spokes, streamers on the handle bars, or even whatever decals they can fit on the frankly diminutive frame, much akin to people who always like to put racing stripes on tiny two seat cars, which TOTALLY makes them go faster and are in no way symbolic and phallic implying in nature to compensate for their small and/or crooked wieners.
I can tell you for a fact the Howard County (your tax dollars) have paid for exactly one set of bicycles that they rotate through all the different elementary schools so they can literally have a unit on teaching small boys and girls how to fall over and bust up their knees. That’s all the bicycles one of the wealthiest counties in the nation has decided that it needs.
Point is, as someone who would be charged as an adult, if I was forced to, I can’t think of a single punishment I would have to endure for not riding a bicycle that would make me want to in fact go ride a bicycle. Bike cops are like the losers on the force right? I’m sure that really helps with their self esteem issues, watch out for those later “displays of authority.”
But what about the fitness aspect. Many adults that cycle will tell you that it’s a great way to get in shape. Obviously cycling is very literally exercise. Clearly it’s something for cardio. But have you ever seen a cyclist and been like daaaaaaaaayum! Na. I mean look at the most famous cyclist of all time; Lance Armstrong
Clearly he’s in good shape, I’d take that body any day of the week (in a swap, IN A SWAP TYPE SCENARIO) but is he like, KILLING it. Nope. No way in hell. And he was on fucking steroids or whatever. Lance was literally spending DAYS at a time on the bike touring France in like the worst way possible. Some people do the tourist stuff (Louvre, Eiffel Tower, etc), some people like the off the beaten path stuff (homemade wine in sprite bottles and old ladies with scarfs tied around their heads, you know, tradition), while Lance books it all across the country on a method of transportation meant for children or people with multiple DUIs all to make his legs look like this:
Gross. No fucking thanks. Ladies imagine having sex with that. No, those are legs not penises, but I can understand the confusion, they’re both gross.
And, to me, here’s the worst part about calling it exercise. At least you expect the meat head in the gym to be annoying. He’s in the gym, that’s his natural environment. You expect him to grunt needlessly and circle the bench for 15 minutes forced hyperventilating and swinging his arms back and forth to ‘stretch’ them out, all for one rep of an obnoxious weight he’ll never need to lift in that motion ever in the real world, but cyclists are on the side of the road. A road made for cars. If there was a bike lane, well then okay, but there are none on these back roads of Howard County. And the roads are windy with poor visibility so if I’m behind you, conceivably, I can be stuck there without a safe passing window for 5-10 miles. And I know you think you’re going sooooo fast, but you’re really not. So if I Thundergun it (#PowerMovesOnly) and I get into a head on collision because I can’t see the car coming, do you know who’s the only one that’s getting hurt? Yup, you, the cyclist. We both have steel frames and airbags to protect us, and you have no maneuverability and now a carbon fiber frame through your fucking abdomen.
You’re a middle aged man/woman in Howard County, do you really need the $3,000 carbon frame bike with the spandex jersey combo-ed with the automatic moose knuckle/camel toe second layer of sweat absorbing skin tight short shorts? And don’t even fucking get me started on the ‘aerodynamic’ swoopy helmets, oh you’re going to shave 0.3 seconds off of your time going down Greenbridge road, Bill? Good for fucking you. Put that on your business resume because you sure as hell aren’t going to the fucking Olympics.
And I used to think that maybe a cyclist just in normal attire would be better, but no, shockingly worse. Those people are all over the road, wildly and unpredictably. At least you know when the ‘professional’ bikers ride 2-3 abreast they are just assholes, not amateur hour shits that can’t even control a bicycle. I mean it’s literally so easy a god damned monkey can do it:
And the ‘races’…. ugh the stupid fucking ‘races’. Don’t act like there is any camaraderie in biking. Cycling is a solo act, you can’t have an in depth convo about geopolitical implications while you and your ‘crew’ are peddling around the mean streets of Dayton. I’m beginning to think that they aren’t a group of people who all like cycling, it’s a group of assholes that have just learned this is the most effective way to be assholes. Round up the posse, bring every dick, prick, and cunt you can find, there’s a bike ‘race’ around the narrow back-roads Sunday morning and we’re about to fuck up some church traffic. Let’s all ride five wide, we’ve got ourselves a convoy. What are you going to do? Submit your time for the Ten Oaks Rd Circuit to the Olympic Cycling Center in Colorado? Do they keep track of Bernie from Twelve Hill’s ‘course record’? Oh he beat his time by almost half a second, time to take down the plaque and get it re-engraved. Fuck no. It’s just dick measuring for you and your cock-brained, circle jerk, cycle-‘friends’.
So very simply: biking is for children, is not actually that good for exercise, you’re in the way for literally every actual adult who needs to go somewhere, you could die from back road biking recklessness and your thousand dollar bike/ swoosh helmet wont save you for shit, and no one cares about your ‘exploits’ as a biker. Plus, I’m pretty sure Hitler rode a bicycle so there’s that.