Happy Monday Ya’ll. Sitting at your desk? Miserable already?

We empathize. We promise you, we feel you. We’ll go over anything you may have missed from the last week and we’ll pass our judgements on people having a worse week than you. Read this on the crapper while you hide the first 30 minutes of work. Or on your early lunch. Replace that coffee driven facade with a real smile. Don’t care about a subject, that’s okay, I promise you neither do we.

The honorable Naysh presides.


⊗ Do you know what a pierogi is? They’re dumplings, but from Poland. America, still called the melting pot by some people, even with the immigrant ban, has many pockets of Polish heritage. Now we’ve all heard of China Town, but de facto Pollack Towns exist as well, and that brings us to Edwardsville, Pennsyltucky. Four years ago they started the “Edwardsville Pierogi Festival” which has garnered the attention of some Chi-Town Pollacks, who for the last 23 years have put on the “Pierogi Fest”. Pierogi Fest organizers say that the Edwardsville Pierogi Festival infringes on their trademark and are suing the shit out of the whole damn town. Disregarding the fact that Chicago and Edwardsville aren’t the same place, in fact they are 720 miles and over a 10 hour drive apart so they probably have literally 0 overlapping patrons, Chicago’s P-Fest organizer, Tom Dabertin, said, “Disney does it. Coca-Cola does it. Kleenex does it. If you have a trademark, you have to protect it.” He also said, “I have gone on over 100 different roller coasters in my lifetime,” in a completely unrelated article I found when I googled him. I sentence each festival’s organizers to sit down as peer-ogis, and stop this nonsense. After all, who needs lawyers, the Polish Jews have had enough luck already. (the joke is that they haven’t, they’ve had a really rough go at life historically)

⊗ Wax statues are back in the news and guess what! they still literally never look like the person they are supposed to be. I’m calling it, Madame Tussaud is the biggest fraud in history. How can something so “iconic culture” be so horrible at what it’s supposed to be? For instance, people were mad at this wax ‘rendition’ of Beyonce:

Wax Bey 1.png

People are mad at the figure calling this white washing. I just don’t think it looks anything like her regardless of the skin tone. To me it looks more like a skinny version of the mom from Jon and Kate plus 8 than Beyonce. Under pressure the museum did end up having it altered and now it looks like this:

Wax Bey 2

I mean I guess it’s not worse, but I’m calling more J-Lo than Bey. I mean seriously, do they not even Google Beyonce before working on any of these? It still looks nothing like her:

https://i1.wp.com/cdn.pocket-lint.com/r/s/1200x/assets/images/120636-apps-news-beyonce-bans-press-photographers-from-tour-after-bad-super-bowl-social-image-experience-image1-VZQWN2Jktw.jpg

Yea, not close. And you may say, we’ll maybe they just can’t do Beyonce. WRONG. In honor of Tom Brady’s 40th Birthday last week, they also did one of him:

Screen Shot 2017-08-01 at 2.06.16 PM

I mean, it looks nothing like him, other than it’s wearing his jersey, I assume the one that was stolen from the Super Bowl last year. It’s not like that jersey is frosty the snowman’s hat and it’s magically going to make your shitty wax sculpture look like Tom. Though truthfully I’m less perturbed about this one because I’m still operating under the theory that the original Tom Brady was swapped out like 5 years into his career for the one we know today.

I mean those are not all the same person. You don’t just develop perfect cheek bones, a powerful jaw line, and a staunch butt-chin. Never in a million years. I sentence all wax sculptures to be melted down and turned into candles for a candlelit vigil we hold when we symbolically burn Madame Tussaud at the stake for being a trickster bitch witch.

MORE ON SPORTS

⊗  This year’s basketball video game, NBA Live 18, will now feature the option to play as teams from the WNBA (that’s the women’s league). First response from gamers was confusion with many asking, “what is a woman?” This actually lead to more confusion because since it’s 2017 it turns out that no one can accurately define what a woman is without someone calling them XYZ-phobic. Some are praising the call to include the WNBA, while most couldn’t possibly care less. My only question is how are programmers going to get around the heat they will invariably take when giving the WNBA players their “player ratings”. You see, I looked it up, and they literally have a metric called, “Dunk vs Layup Frequency” and that seems like a trap. Do you give every single player a literal 0 out of 100 except Brittney Griner, who gets a 2 for that stat, since she is literally 1 of 3 players to EVER dunk in a WNBA game and the ONLY player to dunk twice in a game. That’s not sexist, it’s very simple, if 100% of the time you perform a layup rather than a dunk, your dunk vs layup frequency is 0. Even a woman could do that math. I sentence the pro-grammers to give all the women 100 out of 100 because women can do anything, and you should be ashamed of yourself for insinuating anything else, you XYZ-phobic ass hats.

ACROSS THE POND

⊗ In London a pub denied 7 priests access into their bar one night, I assume because they were getting tired of the jokes that start, “7 priests walk into a bar.” The cabal of priests were out last week to celebrate the ordination of one of the group when they were met with, “sorry gents, we have a policy of no fancy dress and no stag dos.” Now I’m no religious expert but I don’t know where that little white reverse Hitler mustache looking collar thing constitutes fancy dressing or a deer costume. I for one don’t even know why the priests would want to go to a bar seeing as it’s very unlikely for underage boys to even be there, but I guess the drinking age is lower in London. Maybe they could go down to the London Bridge, that’s where it’s going down. I hear Little Oliver Twist is always asking for more. That slut. It makes me sick. I sentence the priests to no longer be allowed out unless accompanied by equal numbers from a different religion to stop this pedophilia. Less child rape and more a priest and a rabbi enter a bar scenarios. I don’t mean to brag but I think I just made the world a better place.

IN LOCAL NEWS

A new show aired on Cartoon Network last week called OK K.O.! and it turns out the back drop is loosely based on inspiration from the animators home town, Columbia MD. Looking at this promo picture I can totally see James Rouse’s vision:

Image result for ok ko

A place where a myriad of people could live side by side, whether you’re a kid with a headband, wonky eyes, and skipped every leg day ever, a middle aged man with a mustache, a tie with no shirt on, and is in no way based on a creepy uncle that paid ‘special attention’ to you, or a blue thing with antenna that wears a cutoff jean jacket to show his abs. I guess the sub plot is to protect the small mom and pop shops from the conglomerate ‘Boxmore’ which is so much like Oakland Mills. Weiss, Little Caesars, and Sam’s Mart are so integral to the small town feel, culture, and history that is the area… I sentence the the residents of Oakland Mills to create their own animated show to combat the Cartoon Network conglomerate in a weird nonsensical symbolic retribution twist of fate.

I rest my case. The Naysh

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