Happy Monday Ya’ll. Sitting at your desk? Miserable already?
We empathize. We promise you, we feel you. We’ll go over anything you may have missed from the last week and we’ll pass our judgements on people having a worse week than you. Read this on the crapper while you hide the first 30 minutes of work. Or on your early lunch. Replace that coffee driven facade with a real smile. Don’t care about a subject, that’s okay, I promise you neither do we.
The honorable Naysh presides.
Quick reminder of the hard hitting legal 2 day docu on the Howard County Court system American Justice! This shit better get an Emmy. I actually only ever met one girl who went by Emmy, wasn’t really a fan.
⊗ Buzzfeed pumped out another millennial aggrandizing pile of nonsense that said if you failed your driver’s test you’re probably smarter than everyone else. It follows the trend of Buzzfeed’s slander pandering to dumb kids. Hey kid, did something dumb that all the mean old adults are saying is bad? Don’t worry. It actually means you’re a genius. They’re basing this on a survey in the UK where kids without a degree fail the driver’s test at a lower rate. Hey, Buzzfeed, do you know what kids without a degree were doing in high school? Not studying because they were skipping school to go smoke fags in a playground (study was in the UK fags are cigarettes), or sitting outside their ex girlfriend’s window leaned on their Pontiac Fiero with some sort of bird decal on the hood holding a boom box. **baby come back!** Driving was all they had, it doesn’t make them geniuses. I sentence all of Buzzfeed to stick their fingers in electrical sockets, here’s your participation trophy for it, it says genius on it.
FAMOUS PEOPLE GON’ FAMOUS
⊗ For the literal one millionth time I came across one of those “Celebs before Photoshop” articles and it’s same old, same old.
This is why I refuse to say any famous people are attractive, and people want to give me shit for it, like I’M crazy. Listen, it’s very simple to me; you have never actually seen what theose people look like, you can’t objectively say whether they are or not. But on that note, you can infer that they are undoubtedly LESS attractive than what you’ve seen. Miley Cyrus looks like Dobby from Harry Potter to me. I sentence everyone’s opinion on a celebrities’ hotness that hasn’t woken up in bed next to said celebrity lawfully irrelevant. Comments on their unattractive doppelgangers, fully welcomed though.
⊗ Speaking of unattractive and crazy celebrities, Taylor Swift was reportedly ‘smuggled’ out of her hotel by her bodyguards in a suitcase:
Though I can in no way confirm this, I know it’s absolutely 100% true. Who carries a suitcase like that? Also how does that guy ‘supervising’ in a still photo still somehow manage to look winded? That’s the stress that comes with having to deal with psycho T Swift.
Also; look at the eyes on that guy carrying her:
I said EYES, not BIs and TRIs. But honestly, even the guy in the background is ripped. Don’t tell me that’s just some rando on the skreet. I’m no fool, that’s a plant trying to look inconspicuous and doing a terrible job.
That’s better. That’s the look of defeat and receding hairline of a man who’s been asked to haul a supposed grown ass women out of a hotel room and into a car. I’m sure of it. I sentence T Swift to write new lyrics of R Kelly’s Locked in the Closet but called Locked in the Suitcase. And NO TALKING ABOUT EX’s, SWIFT! No crutches this time, actually write a fucking song you solely motivated phony. T Swift is from a parallel dimension where apparently you can have 30 different ex’s and write a song about how terrible of a girlfriend you were and not be called an opportunistic whore. (I mean whore for capitalizing off of the misfortune of others, by dating them when she’s clearly a lesbian, not by the amount of her partners, I would never speak so disparagingly about a woman #FreeTheNipple).
⊗ Colin Kaepernick tweeted the definition of Stockholm Syndrome out last week, in apparent response to Micheal Vick saying he should cut his hair:
Colin, tell me, Michael Vick went to prison for dog fighting, you were adopted by rich white people, got a 4.0 in high school, and went to college in Nevada, a state listed as 75.1% ‘white alone’ in the 2016 census, which one of you was raised more by ‘the establishment’…? Pumpernickel, I have to be honest, I don’t think cutting your hair isn’t a bad idea. In fact I sentence you to cut it all off. ALL off. Become pure, clean, rise above these petty squabbles, you modern day Jesus:
WHAT’S MONEY WORTH?
Your weekly political update, apparently Donald Trump thinks health insurance costs $12 a year:
If you don’t pay for your own heath insurance yet, let me be the first to say, lucky, but secondly, let me inform you that it is much, much more than that. I well know because legally my former employer was supposed to provide healthcare under ‘Obamacare’ but I helped him do some creative filing to avoid that. In return he was supposed to pay for my healthcare, and then just never did. Got boned twice on that deal:
Trump with money is like every 8 year old child ever. No concept of it. It’s like a small child starting a lemonade stand and having their parents buy the table, make the sign, buy the lemons, sugar, etc and using the water from their house they have a 30 year mortgage on and at the end of the day saying, ‘I made $12’. It’s almost as if he just received a small million dollar loan from someone that earned it and he had no right to, slapped his name on some shit and called it a business… I sentence Donny 12 Bucks to go to the supermarket and buy a banana. All by himself. He has to grow up sometime. What he does with the banana isn’t my problem.
I rest my case. The Naysh