In a day and age where passwords need a capital letter, a lower case letter, a number, AND sometimes a symbol, keeping online accounts straight has just gotten too tedious. But there’s hope still (for men apparently) because now CamSoda has replaced that useless ‘hint’ option with, ‘hey, just take a dick pic to get in here’.
Darren Press, CamSoda’s VP, explained it in a statement: “Like a fingerprint and an eyeball, which are two of most commonly used body parts in biometric technologies, the penis has many, many differentiating factors like size, color, and vein protrusion. However, unlike fingerprints and eyeballs, penises are not exposed to the public a lot of the time…”
Right on, Darren, sounds like a man that’s seen a lot of dicks in his day. Now instead of bothering with all the possible permutations of a keyboard, now all men have to do is what they do all the time. Take super flattering pictures of their junk that EVERYBODY wants, probably completely unsolicited. Now you just have to practice your angles, lighting, and perfecting your semi-chub and you’re set to log in!
Penis Denied. Try again. Story of my life. You know what no one has said ever? Hey, that’s a really handsome penis. Dignified, and stylish. Look at the panache of the penis. That debonair dong. That wistful wiener. And that brings me to my next point, I really feel bad for the programmers that have to code this. I mean how did the interview process go? Now I need someone who can code in 5 languages, but also knows all there is about all different types of pee-pees.
Ps. I just looked up Cam Soda. It’s a webcam porn site. Makes perfect sense. You absolutely know anyone who A) has an account and B) is using ‘Dick-ometrics’ to log in, are the same people who blast D photos on Tinder. And now all those poor girls can log on to your CamSoda account and see how depraved you actually are. Though to be fair, they should have known already.
CamSoda says erect penises are better since, “there are more differentiating features.” Can you imagine if this log in style takes off. Hey, you gotta pay off your student loans, take off your pants. If that isn’t what it feels like already…