Happy Monday Ya’ll. Sitting at your desk? Miserable already?
We empathize. We promise you, we feel you. We’ll go over anything you may have missed from the last week and we’ll pass our judgements on people having a worse week than you. Read this on the crapper while you hide the first 30 minutes of work. Or on your early lunch. Replace that coffee driven facade with a real smile. Don’t care about a subject, that’s okay, I promise you neither do we.
The honorable Naysh presides.
Short one this week. Seems my technical skills at dispensing swift, but fair justice have been noticed and I’ve been summoned for jury duty this week. One more step to the top! Here come da judge!
⊗ The perfect crime. Thieves in Missouri, looking for the big score, stole a woman’s ‘tiny home’. For those who don’t know, tiny homes are all the rage these days with the hippies that subscribe to the thought that, a house is a construct by the corporate fat cats, and despite shelter being 1/3 of humanities ‘basic needs’ that it’s so overrated, man. There’s even another fake HGTV show about buying tiny homes, check out this screengrab:
Zero materialism here, sir. The woman was in complete shock when her ‘home’ which is literally on wheels and equipped with a trailer hitch was stolen, especially because the area was “roped off”. In Pennsylvania it’s trailer trash, in Missouri it’s ‘Eco-friendly’. Luckily the home was found when the theft was posted about on Facebook and shared by all of the owner’s friends. They’re all Facebook friends even though they have never been over to her house on the account of two people literally couldn’t fit into the said ‘home’. It was found abandoned in Kansas after presumably the thieves came down from their high and realized, there is literally no reason to have this thing. No harm, no foul here I say. Except the crime of Tiny Home Owners subterfuge of the American Way. I demand the abolishment of all tiny homes. All homeowners must be subjected to crippling 30 year mortgages, it is the American way of life.
⊗ A tight knit community in Colorado claims they are being persecuted for their beliefs. Every Tuesday at 6 p.m., three dozen Coloradans from every corner of the state assemble in the windowless back room of a small Fort Collins coffee shop to discuss how the Earth is flat, Gravity is a hoax, and the fact that the world rotates is government propaganda. These ‘Flat Earthers’ say they’ve been bullied and called everything insulting under the sun. Everything from ‘stupid’ to ‘fucking stupid’. They make some good points, “Why is it that the astronauts have conflicting stories about the sky? Is it bright with stars, or a deep velvet black?” So many good points that they claim the movement is growing. They claim 1-500 people around the globe (yes you read that correctly) is a ‘Flat Earther’. This group of people lives so much in the past they think that Billboards are an effective method of spreading their gospel:
Leave it to Colorado to think they can’t see the curvature of the earth even with how high they get. I sentence all Flat Earthers on August 21st to literally go outside and watch the Eclipse that is going to happen and try to explain that. Spoiler Alert: its the spherical moon passing between the spherical earth and the spherical sun. Either that or just go outside and stare into the sun right now, it’s clear that to you eyes are useless.
⊗ A signed cover of Serena Williams ESPN Body Issue was going for $500 on eBay when last checked.
File this under the the group of people that have money and don’t realize the internet has free porn. Sports memorabilia is a crazy world. In 2017 there’s arguably no reason for magazines to even exist, but get Serena Williams to draw the Ebola Virus on a magazine and now it’s worth $500?
It’s wild. I mean you know whoever bought that is absolutely the type of person that is going to rub one out to that picture, and is that what you spent $500 for? Ask any El Salvadorian in Maryland you can go down to Route One and get literally 10 hookers for that money. Sure none of them have won a Grand Slam but maybe you can meet at Denny’s and buy her a Grand Slam instead. It’s called romance, ever heard of it? Again, I don’t know why ESPN Magazine even still exists anyways like SI Swimsuit Edition there’s only one scantly clad mag they produce every year that anyone cares about. I sentence ESPN Magazine to dissolve and just release their smut online so it can be pirated like all porn.
And I rest my case. The Naysh