Happy Monday Ya’ll. Sitting at your desk? Miserable already?
We empathize. We promise you, we feel you. We’ll go over anything you may have missed from the last week and we’ll pass our judgements on people having a worse week than you. Read this on the crapper while you hide the first 30 minutes of work. Or on your early lunch. Replace that coffee driven facade with a real smile. Don’t care about a subject, that’s okay, I promise you neither do we.
The honorable Naysh presides.
They say never discuss politics, today we start with politics.
⊗ Rick Perry continued his so far somehow successful charade as a competent politician by giving a speech to coal miners last week where he laid out how economics really works:
Here’s a free one for you boys and girls, no one has ever been able to buy something before it was made. Think about it. Can’t buy it until it exists. It’s a very simple concept. Can’t believe these egghead voodoo economists didn’t think of it sooner. It took a true visionary to think that one up, like Rick Perry, the man who got a ‘D’ in a college class called ‘Meats’:
Of course he got a ‘D’ in ‘Meats’, leave the A’s to those rainbow loving liberals. He’ll take the ‘D’. And so case close: Global Warming isn’t a thing. I sentence everyone here to start making sculptures out of their baby teeth and selling them on Etsy. Put the supply out there, the demand will follow.
⊗ Trump was met with cheers in Poland last week, a place he considers his ‘base’. Of course he considers a foreign country with no electoral votes his base, the strategy has worked for him in the past. They’ve even adopted a riff on his campaign slogan:
No shock here, after all, it’s not the first time the Poles rolled over for a dictator. In fact the only surprise here is his strike out with the Polish Fist Lady:
His track record is usually so good with Eastern European women. Mistake number one, trying out this new handshake thing, puss grabbing has been your staple, Donny, if it ain’t broke don’t fix it. I sentence Melania and Polish First Lady, Agata Kornhauser-Duda to have a girls night. Margaritas and boy talk. Maybe after a couple margs, and even more laughs, maybe realize your hands are touching and as your lips slowly drift towards each other and you can feel the other’s warm breath on your face, pull away red faced and tell yourself the next day that it was just the heat of the moment, just the booze talking, and these thoughts are crazy.
Lets keep traveling around the world:
⊗ In Norway, workers had to repair a popular landmark lovingly referred to as the “penis-shaped rock formation” after it had been found too many people had been climbing on it. I think it’s finally time to stop saying that men can’t be raped. Just because the formation was rock hard doesn’t mean he was enjoying it. Physically he’ll be fine, but what happened has scarred the formation for life. Workers say no one can climb on the wiener rock for a least a week. Ladies, cool down time is a thing. I sentence all offenders to take Bill Cosby’s how to not get accused of rape class, because it’s 2017 and that’s apparently actually happening.
⊗ Tesla is building the world’s largest battery in Australia to help combat energy shortages. I assume it’s only a matter of time now before they switch over to Hybrid Kangaroos rather than the slow burning diesel ones for transportation. Scientists hope that they can now power the one microwave in every prison in Australia. Previously it was impossible as even with only one microwave per prison that is still more microwaves than in all of the United States. Australians are criminals. I sentence Tesla to use the battery to electrify the Great Barrier Reef so we no longer have to deal with these upside down wallaby wankers and their backwards spinning toilet water.
⊗ Also overseas, NBA Champion Klay Thompson continues his feud with Chinese Basketball Rims. You may remember last week when he took the rivalry public with a 360 ‘dunk’
Well Klay said he has always considered himself a shooter not a dunker so the Chinese rims decided to make it personal and shifted the blame back to Klay:
Yea, that was an airball, but shooters gonna shoot. The NBA pro who looks part Chinese not loved by the nation’s rims. I blame the government. I sense an inside rim-job. I sentence China to a complete overhaul of the country’s rims. I want everyone in China rimmed out, or else there will be some tongue lashes for some asses!
⊗ Another strange story a video of former NBAer Yao Ming apparently being arrested surfaced last week:
Rumor was for drug charges but there is literally no follow up news to the video. Either the video is old, out of context, or China is already covering up the story or the fact that they’ve taken Yao to a Chinese prison to rot. I personally don’t believe the drug story as literally horse tranquilizers would do absolutely nothing to 7’6 Ming. I repeat, not hyperbole, that all of the drugs in the world could not get Yao Ming higher than he already is. I mean seriously:
He’s the one in the middle. I sentence Trumpito to go personally investigate, we all know he knows China very well:
Time for a full on sports hernia
⊗ Nick Young, aka Swaggy P, aka from Fancy to Ashy, signed with the Golden State Warriors. From one of the worst teams to the best is a great deal for Swaggy, but the question remains, how do the fans feel?
Some fans will say he was insulting them, I’ll take the time to point out that it’s a double negative that was assuredly 100% on purpose and so it was actually a compliment. Reigning NBA Finals MVP Kevin Durant welcomed the Swagster with open arms:
Isn’t that so sweet. KD, after buying a championship by taking pennies to play with Golden State, has now embraced the hate and gone full heel, even taking full responsibility for his former teammates recent success and contracts:
KD, I love you, but you’re spewing a lot of shit from your mouth lately. I’m feeling very symbolic retrobution-esque today so I sentence someone to fart in your face, oh… he’s into that apparently.
⊗ It’s Begun. The NBA is going the way of poor people football and is now accepting sponsors on their jerseys. The Toronto (Canadian) Raptors surrendered part of their jersey to Sun life for next year.
First of all STUPID for Sun Life. I don’t know what the Phoenix SUNS where asking for but pretty golden opportunity missed if you ask me. I’m totally fine with this but I’m going to pretend I’m mad so I can sentence Dick’s Sporting Goods to sponsor Orlando:
A very worldly edition
⊗ This round of hippies being extra takes us back to China: Apparently another iteration of chemicals are bad, all natural is good, this cabal of idiots have taken to eating Aloe plants not because their small intestine was sunburned but because of their supposed health benefits. Last week one super ‘qualified’ health vlogger live streamed herself eating what she thought was Aloe but was actually a type of Agave plant that is actually super poisonous:
Luckily for her, not for the growth of the human species’ gene pool sadly, she realized it and shut off the live stream, got herself to a hospital, and didn’t die. Let this be a lesson to you to not take advice from an amateur. An experienced vlogger would have at least filmed the hospital stuff. Amateur hour. I sentence every singe person alive to instantly and vigorously laugh in someones face whenever they use the argument, “It comes from the ground, it cant be bad for you.”
⊗ A woman who turned 100 this week says wine is the secret to her longevity. She also added, “don’t take any baloney,” which is either condemning thievery of her lunch or her finally coming out of the closet at 100. I dunno. Every so often one of these stories comes out and they say I’m old as shit and wine/beer/alcohol helped me do it and alcoholics latch on for an excuse. You know what doctor’s say booze is also responsible for? 88,000 deaths annually. 1/88,000 doesn’t really infer a correlation, Florence. In fact quite the opposite. Now I love my booze, shameless plug for my new segment: Long Winded Beer Reviews but let’s not pretend the supposed heart benefits of having a glass of red wine with dinner justifies a bottle a night. Common sense people. If you want to drink, have a fucking drink, you don’t need an excuse. I sentence every person to stop making excuses and just do stuff because you want to, the excuse is a crutch.
I rest my case. The Naysh