Happy Independence Day y’all! Hope you hid vibranium shields for all of you that have kids that still believe in Captain America. In honor of the 4th of July I can’t think of anything more American that cataloging a Mount Rushmore of Firework related incidents. Let’s countdown things that go boom in the night!

4) 4 Alarm No-Chill(i)

Everyone knows the worst part of fireworks are how annoying they actually are. You know what no one said ever? “I’m so glad those drunk people that live by me are blasting off fireworks.” You actually have to be fairly qualified to shoot of fireworks properly, I assume all technicians are spiritually trained on the Great Wall of China. This Fireworks display perfectly captures the inner annoyance everyone has felt when they’ve heard some kids shooting off Fireworks. Short. Sweet. Dramatic. Poignant. Number four, the Honest Abe of our list.

3) JPP’s hand

Another key component to a good fireworks display is someone being drunk and stupid. Hubris. The pride before the fall. Going out in a Blaze of Glory. The Teddy Roosevelt of the mountain. Lighting fireworks in your hand and then attempting to throw them? Just before a contract year? I guess Eli Manning isn’t the dumbest looking person on the Giants. Fireworks are the great evener. One of the last pure sources of Natural Selection in America today. Don’t hold lit fireworks, people. I’ll hyperlink to a picture of his hand instead of embedding it, because it’s fucking gross.

2) Katy Perry’s Fireworks

No one loved women more than Thomas Jefferson. Now of course most of the women he “loved” were his slaves, but this is America, we lightly gloss over the parts we don’t like. In fact just the other day Historians uncovered Jefferson’s slave quarters at Monticello, living place of Sally Hemings, a slave that is suspected bared 6 children with Jefferson. So when I say from the point of Jefferson, Katy Perry’s Firework, I really mean Katy Perry’s boobs that shoot fireworks:

I honestly didn’t know that’s what they meant when they say titty bang.

1. Our Lord and Savior, Reekris

Forever the Holy Grail of Fireworks videos. The OG-eorge Washington of Fireworks Displays. It has it all. Scale. Boom Factor. Poor Decisions. My only complaint is, and I’ll admit my bible knowledge is poor, but I’m pretty sure Moses talked to the burning bush, not a man on the street yelling about Jesus.

And there you have it just a few slices of Americana to kick off your celebrations today. If you could package America it would undoubtedly be explosive just like a firework, and that is why we love them so much. Make sure to leave your leftover Beer and Hot Dogs on the counter for Captain America when he comes to leave Freedom tonight.

The Naysh


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