Yet another job that has been lost to automation. Sad. You thought there was a job robots weren’t gonna take? All jobs were invariably going to be taken, so you sat on the couch (because working is pointless) and cultivated mass until you had a brilliant idea, sports figures can’t be replaced, and now that I’m 300 lbs my only choice is sumo wrestling, a robot can never do that. WRONG! Remember when Adrian Peterson came back from an ACL tear and almost had 2,000 yards? Everyone said he was a machine. Well, frankly, looks like we’re not far off from our running backs being actual machines. And think about it, wouldn’t something powered by a Hemi be more effective at moving the rock anyways? A literal steamroller. We’ve been using machine metaphors for sports figures for a while now, its the logical next step. Only now you’ll need non human linebackers, you know, because of the issue of vehicular manslaughter. And as with any issue facing he future NFL we take a live cut to Roger Goodell:

But let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves, it starts with sumo wrestling. And I think this robotic solution comes amongst rampant allegations of Yaocho aka cheating (yup, there’s a distinct Japanese word for match rigging.) And yes, I know that because I watched a documentary on it, so what?

So looks like multiple accusations of cheating is what will lead our sports into the land of robotics. New England Patriots you’re up first for “upgrades”. We are the NFL. Your biological and technological distinctiveness will be added to our own. Resistance is futile.

The Naysh


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