Not one of your parents are as proud of you as Kevin Durant’s mother is of him right now. If you think they are, you’re delusional. There are parents as proud of their kids, maybe more proud. They aren’t yours, because no one reading this small time nonsense has accomplished anything of note. I mean sure my mom is proud of me, only she tells me in a different way, namely saying, “Get off the couch and get a fucking job.”

Being someone’s child is hard, it’s a real lose-lose scenario. If your parents are bums, you have the pressure to break the cycle, otherwise you’re just your daddy’s son. If they are successful, you have to out achieve them or you’re just a disappointment, and even if you do, of course you did, they were great parents. You cant ever defend yourself because they are adults and they know better than you. You can never confess your inadequacies to them because then you’re weak, when in reality that would really be the insight that would probably be the most helpful. I think children should just be put out in the wild at like age 6. That way you can get the basics, like not shitting yourself, but you can write your own expectations. If I end up dead in a ditch with a needle in my arm, at least it wont be a blight on my family name. If I’m a CEO of a Fortune 500 Company, I can afford to have a DNA test, track down my family and impress them. Less no child left behind, more okay child, fend for yourself.

Oh you told her when you were 8 years old, Kevin. You know who else did that, every child ever. I did. Only I wasn’t born with a 7 foot wingspan and the ability to shoot from anywhere. I was given just enough height that everyone asks if I play basketball not realizing the AVERAGE height in the NBA is 6’7, and that 6’3 aint shit. How come everyone asks me if I play basketball because I’m tall? I don’t ask you if you play miniature golf because you’re short. No, I can’t even dunk. Yes, Kevin, every single person who’s won a Championship promised their parents they would win it when they were a kid, most don’t do it. Our parents just didn’t birth us with condor wings for arms and the accuracy of Marvel Comic’s Bullseye, perfect for a profession that pays you millions of dollars to put a ball through a ring. Wanda:

Obviously, super jelly right now. In all seriousness, congrats to the Golden State Warriors and Kevin Durant. Your mothers all have a reason to be proud. Hold on, my phone is ringing:



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