Here in the U.S. apples generally ripen between August and September. They pick the apples when they’re slightly unripe, treat them with a chemical called 1-methylcyclopropene, wax them, box them, stack them on pallets, and keep them in cold storage warehouses for an average of 9-12 months.


This isn’t some shock post, this has been true your entire life. You’re fine. The point is, Apples should be eaten cold.

Normally when I say this, I’m greeted with, I like my apples fresh, right off the branch, and I started this piece the way I did because if you haven’t been to an orchard and picked them yourself and then immediately eaten them, then no you fucking don’t.

That’s the first step to approaching this topic with an open mind. The second is to go get an apple if you have one around the house and put it in the freezer. Done? Good.

Now, the food nerds might jump in here and something along the lines of, “We all know fresh food shouldn’t be stored in the fridge. Refrigeration is a death sentence to ripe tomatoes.” And while, nerd, thou art righteously correct, remember, YOUR APPLES AREN’T FRESH. They are up to a year old, in fact if you ever buy something called Birthday Apples, well, that’s just clever marketing to move over year old stock. Suck it consumers. The simple fact is that storing them cold will make them last longer (even beyond a year evidently), but who cares about that we care about the experience. Particularly the experience of eating a cold ass apple. Logic: What is apple juice? Well it’s (mostly) the juice from apples, and you drink that cold don’t you? You don’t drink room temperature juice, do you? Devil’s (emphasis on the Devil) Advocates will say something like, “Cider is actually closer to actual apples than juice, and I drink that hot.” Yea, sure. Around the holidays with some whiskey in it, you alcoholic. Sit your drunk ass down and quit being a Scrooge. Now ideally we would have waited longer, and just kept them in the fridge in the first place, but I tried to time this out to have your cold apple close enough to ready by now. Get it:

Now walk outside, if you’re in Maryland, which I assume is the max of this post’s reach, it will be anywhere from 85-95 degrees right now. Eat the cold apple. Let that cold apple transport you away from the heat. Watch before your eyes as the leaves start to change colors. Feel, as the wind picks up and caresses you across the face as if to say, “I’m sorry I was gone, I’m sorry I left you to that sweltering heat, but I’m back now, and I’m never leaving again.” Your cold apple is just as refreshing as a giant glass of ice water. The crunch of the skin, the tartness of apple, you’re welcome for just solving summer for you.

And for the love of god, if you’re not a little puss-puss, eat the damn core. There’s not enough cyanide in the seeds to kill you and a apple tree wont grow in your stomach. What are you like 5 years old? Grow up.

The Naysh



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